Breaking point
I would title this first post, the beginning, but that would be a lie. The truth is, this isn’t my first attempt losing weight, and it certainly isn’t the beginning of my quest for fabulousness. Wait…before we go any further, I need to warn you that I will make up words, fabulousness being one of them, and I will use them freely, so you will just have to get used to it. Ok, now I can “unhit” the pause button, and get back to what I was saying. This blog is going to detail my journey from flab, read fat, to fab.
I titled this “breaking point”, because I hit a point of such utter embarrassment and shame, that I was smacked in the face with the realization that I have to do something about my weight. This isn’t day one of my desire to be thin, but this breaking point is the first day of the rest of my life. I will go ahead and break out my remote control and hit the rewind button on my DVR, and I will take you back to my breaking point.
I have always been a big girl, ugh I hate that phrase, but I am very tall, 6’1″ to be exact, and have always pretty much ranged from chubby to downright fat. I have never had the pleasure of being able to shop at any store knowing that anything and everything will look cute on me. I have never experienced being hit on everywhere I go by men, and always being the center of attention. I don’t know what it’s like to feel sexy, confident, and proud to be me. The idea of being comfortable in my own skin is a total foreign concept to me.
You know that phrase “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”? That is the exact polar opposite of my situation. I have been the bride, I am married to the greatest, sweetest, most loving husband in the world, but I have never, up until now been a bridesmaid. Most all of my friends are married, but none of them have asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding. Call me paranoid, but I have always kind of internalized it, and thought that perhaps, maybe it was me. Maybe if I were thin and gorgeous they would have asked me to be in their weddings. Not that this is a huge deal, I realize, there are a vast array of more important things in life, none of which touch on the bridesmaid subject, but it can sting. So, imagine my shock, and utter delight, when my best friend asked me to be her maid of honor. It nearly brought me to tears, happy ones. So approximately 6 months after her asking me to be the maid of honor, it was time for dress shopping on that dreaded Friday July 23rd. Not that there was anything particularly daunting about that day, it was just the idea of the day. The day to try on dresses, and realize how fat I really was. It’s not that I didn’t realize I wasn’t fat, clearly I did, but this particular experience, REALLY brought it to my attention.
Let me just reiterate that I am beyond thrilled that my bff gave me the honor of standing up in her wedding. I am soooo excited and looking forward to it, but we all know dress shopping can be a nightmare. I am not your typical pear shaped fat girl, I am a total apple shape, which to me is a total pain in the ass. At least if you are a pear you have a waist line, so dresses have the ability to look good on you and flatter your figure. In my crazy messed up body my hips are my smallest measurement, followed by my boobs, and my waist being the largest. I have a negative waist. LOL It’s almost as if I am wearing a giant flotation device around my stomach, so needless to say, dresses aren’t flattering.
So anyway, on Friday we enjoyed a nice leisurely breakfast, at a fabulous (you can tell I like that word, can’t you? LOL) little restaurant, and then made our way to the bridal store. When we entered the store surrounded by a sea of dresses, my inner thin girly girl self was THRILLED at all of the possibilities and cute dresses, but at the same time the fat girl was sad. I was sad and terrified, because i had a sinking feeling that nothing in the store would fit, and it was going to send my negative, yet sinking self esteem into a tailspin. I found a dress I pretty much loved right away, a strapless ballgown, that was stunning. The salesgirl found the biggest size they had in stock and ushered me into a room. Thank god she waiting outside with the bride, and I began to undress, and try not to have a nervous breakdown. I get into the dress, thinking that there would be some hope that this might actually work, and my heart sank, when I could only zip it half way up. I was in there panicked at what to do, because I really didn’t want to come out and have to tell them that it didn’t fit. I stood in there for as long as I could, and then I heard my friend say “are you going to come out?” I quickly replied with a quiet “no”, and of course she asked why. I was beyond mortified when I had to explain that it didn’t fit. Their biggest size that they had in stock was too small. She ended up coaxing me out, and we both loved the dress. It was actually very flattering, and made me feel like a princess, baring the fact that it didn’t fit. The alterations lady came out to talk to me for a “consultation”, and said that it was definitely possible that they would be able to add a little extra material to make the dress work. Talk about the most embarrassing, mortifying experience ever, especially in front of your gorgeous size 6 bff.
It was at that very moment that I decided that I had no other choice, but to lose weight. I was tired of feeling badly about myself, tired of not enjoying life. It wasn’t just about the dress, but everything it represented. I wanted to look hot in that dress, and I wanted to be able to live my life instead of hiding from it. Of course I assured the saleslady that I wanted to order a size smaller, and she pretty much scoffed at me. I mean, I am sure they hear that someone is going to lose weight 343909030303 times a day, and then they have to deal with the tearful bride and bridesmaids when they can’t fit into their dresses. I ended up giving in and going with the godawful size, but I know that when I go back in there next time, it will be too big. I will do this. I hit my breaking point. I can’t be broken any further, all I can do is pick up the pieces, and begin my journey to the most fit and fabulous me possible. Of course this decision wasn’t about the wedding, it was a culmination of multiple things, that I will of course blog about, but it was the last straw. It was my breaking point, and perhaps my beginning…
Fabulously me,
Kt
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