Groundhog Day....Enter Bill Murray

I keep saying the same thing night after night. Tomorrow is going to be different, tomorrow I will be better, and it never happens. Tomorrow is never better. I keep saying that I'm embarrassed, coming here professing my failures, but I still keep faltering. I sound like a broken record, or the movie groundhog day where things keep happening over and over again. I keep messing up. I'm certainly not giving up, but I need a serious ass kicking. I am here. I am fessing up, and I will continue. Perhaps I will be back tomorrow night and sing the same pathetic song, but this is a step further than I have taken before. I thought about A. not coming and posting, or B. lying by omission, and not letting on the bad parts of my day, but I didn't. What good would that do? What would that solve? This is real life. This is me. I am actually here. I could be hiding and making things up, but I'm not. I'm real, I'm truthful, and I'm an open book. Just because I let stress get to me today, doesn't make me a horrible person, it makes me human.

My day started out fantastic. I had cereal for breakfast, chicken, ff yogurt, banana, and pretzels for lunch, and I drank water all day long. I got home, and was ready to workout, and I just crashed. I didn't feel like doing anything. I was going to just leave it at that, but when my husband called on his way home from work, he joked about bringing home burger king, and I totally caved. Not only did I have burger king for dinner, but I had reece's peanut butter cups for dessert. I had chicken tenders and french fries. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Sometimes I don't know what goes through my brain. Why do I think that this sort of behavior is necessary? I had a horribly stressful long day at work, and that is no excuse I know, but I just wanted to get away from it all. The food comforted me. I know that it sounds crazy, and lame, but it's true. The food destressed me, and that is not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to let the exercise destress me.

I will get this right. I know I will. I know that it seems like I am a total failure, and believe me I feel that way too, but I am trying. Trying isn't good enough, I just need to do it. All of my posts are starting to sound the same, but it's true. I know what I have to do, I just have to follow through. I want to do this, I want to get healthy, hot, and motivate others. I want to inspire other people, and let them know that they can do this too. Right now, I just need to focus on me, and I will get there. I have to believe that I will get there, because if I don't believe in myself, no one else will.

I am lifting up my water glass and toasting to tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. A fresh start. I need to take advantage of that, and do what I know in my heart I can do. Sorry for the disappointment, but I vow to do better.

Until tomorrow...

No news is good news

They always say that no news is good news, and that is pretty much my message tonight. I still wasn't feeling that great so I really only ate one and a half meals. Right now at 11 pm, I am feeling much better, and I am eager to continue my quest for a fab me tomorrow. I have set my alarm for 5 am to workout, although I am going to be honest with you and let you know that may not happen. It all depends on what time I'm able to fall asleep. If I lay awake for 2 or 3 hours, than getting up at 5 am might be a tad challenging, and I may have to push it back until the evening.

I realized these past couple of weeks that I really don't have much to wear at all since gaining this weight. I have a ton of clothes, but many of them don't fit. I pretty much just have a week's worth of fitting clothes that I wear all of the freaking time. Pathetic. So today I decided to do something about it. I ordered a bunch of clothes, I know they won't fit for very long, BUT I need clothes now. I can't just wait until I lose a few pounds, and besides I have a ton of smaller size clothes in my closet that I can wear when I start to lose. Plus I am so tall that going down a size takes a lot of poundage. I am super excited about the new clothes, although I hate thinking about the money spent on it, but hey a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I mean I need to look professional at work, AND school starts in a week.

Usually Sunday nights are awful, and I dread the day and week to come, but tonight I am actually looking forward to the week. I am looking forward to getting it together, and making some progress. I am looking forward to the new me! I think I am going to book a hair appointment, cut and color, as a reward for my good week to come and mani and pedi wouldn't hurt either. ;)

Until tomorrow...

Repercussions

So, I am here, as promised, but this will be a very very very short post. I have been feeling sick to my stomach pretty much the whole day, and that can't be surprising after my ridiculous Friday. Needless to say, I didn't work out, but the plus side is that I didn't eat much either. Ladies and Gentleman, that's what happens when you binge, you are really sick, and rightly so.

Until tomorrow...

Mayday Mayday

We have a major problem! The good news again is that I am here, and the bad news is that I did NOTHING right today as far as eating and exercising goes. Why is it that I am able to commit to my blogging on a daily basis, but not taking care of myself? I seriously wonder what it's going to take for me to wake up and just do it. I knew that I had lunch planned at Olive Garden with friends today, so I should have prepared myself, but I just got too caught up.

My day in a nutshell was total crap. I'm even more embarrassed than yesterday to post my food diary, but I will, because I promised. I skipped breakfast, and then for lunch I had 2 cokes, 2 breadsticks, salad, and a lunch serving of cheese ravioli. Then after shopping, I came home and had a bag of popcorn and lots of ice water. The worst of it all was dinner, I had some sprite, a lot of cheese pizza, and a container of cookies and cream ice cream. OMG I am dying of embarrassment. Who does this?!?!?! Who binges like this?!?!?! I feel like I am the only person that does this. I feel awful right now, and not just because I messed up, but because I physically feel sick from all of the food. I am choking back puking right now. Why why why why why? I know that I am not the sharpest crayon in the box, but I didn't think that I was totally stupid.

Tomorrow I WILL exercise, and I WILL eat under 1600 calories. I WILL come back tomorrow and tell you how fabulously healthy my day was. If this doesn't work, I am fully prepared to lock myself in a closet for an extended period of time without food!

Until tomorrow...

The Good, the bad, and the ugly

Where do I even begin today? I have actually been sitting in front of my computer for over an hour now, trying to think about what I should type. I have started typing multiple times only to come back, delete it, and start over again I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because this seems so permanent. It's like a record of my day, that can't be changed, or redone. I feel like once I hit publish, it's history. Yes, I know I can go back and edit, but I'm talking 30 days from now, this is going to be my account of Thursday August 13. On December 22, this most likely is going to be my only recollection of today, and I will relive this day, based on my blog post tonight. I make it sound like something monumental or tragic happened, but it didn't. In fact, nothing out of the ordinary really happened today. There was indeed some good, some bad and some ugly.

I started out today with the best intentions of course. I slept like a baby last night, and woke up pretty alert. I grabbed my breakfast, and left for work. I ate a my cereal for breakfast, then a bar, drank lots of coffee, and tons of water, and realized that I was in a predicament for lunch. I forgot to bring something, and I didn't feel like going out to subway, because that always seems to be an event, and I didn't want to cave and get fast food. Any rational person, would have just sucked it up and went to subway, but not me. Then again, who says I'm rational? I had the brilliant thought that since I was going out to dinner tonight with the girls, that I would skip lunch since I forgot it anyway, and just eat dinner.

We went to On the Border for dinner, and I ordered off of the smart menu, and got the chicken salsa fresca, with grilled veggies and rice. I only ate about half of my meal, because we were getting dessert. Yes, that's horrible, but it was oh so good. I ordered these cinnamon things that tasted like a soft elephant ear. So yum. I only ate half, so that was an improvement, and I would have been ok for the day, because of my lack of calories during the day, but of course I didn't stop. I actually beat my husband home, because he was working late, and as soon as he got home he presents me with a vanilla milkshake. Grrrrrrr why did I drink it. I drank it of course, and then to top it off I had a few twizzlers. My whole evening encompasses the ugly of my day. I had a blast with my friends, but I should have been stronger.

I think part of my problem that I had waited soo long to eat that I was soooooo hungry. Bad idea. Tomorrow is a new day, right now is a new minute. The good thing is that I'm really not phased by tonight. I don't feel like I might as well just eat whatever, and not exercise tomorrow. I just feel like I need to get in an excellent workout, burn major calories, and eat as best as I can.

I do have a lunch scheduled with some friends tomorrow at Olive Garden, but that's ok, I can handle it. I can do this.

It's so funny that i want so hard to do this right now, and now is the time that I have all of these girl's night out, lunches, and social stuff planned. I love it though. I don't know what I would do without my friends. They make me laugh, feel loved, and we have a blast. I have never experienced such great friendships as I have lately, and they are stronger than ever. The only reason that I bring this up, is that I think this happiness will carryover into my getting healthy plan. My friends will help me through this. I know that I have to do it myself, but it's great knowing that I have people supporting me. I feel lucky.

Again, I'm babbling and not making much sense, because I am sooooo sleepy. I am off to bed.

Until tomorrow...

No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers

Good evening! I can happily say that I made it through the day as challenging as it was. I am here as I promised. My focus tonight is going to be on the subject of perfection, because I sometimes strive so hard for perfection, I fail.

I will admit it, I am a perfectionist. I am the annoying person, who if I scribble a note for someone, and it isn't "cute and neat" I will throw it out and try again. My home AND office have to be in order or it drives me nuts. I think that there is a place for everything and everything should be in it's place. I am always on time, and I always do my homework. This all sounds fantastic, but it's a curse, really it is. I can't relax until things are perfect, and guess what...nothing is. Once I realize that things aren't perfect, I just give up. If I mess up and eat a candy bar, I just give up and say "oh well, I wasn't perfect so the whole day is shot. I might as well go eat a pizza." It's all or nothing for me and I hate that. I need to work on this majorly. I need to change my whole thought process, and just learn to pick up and move on.

Overall, I would say that I had a pretty good day today, certainly not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but good. I didn't workout, so that was a total bummer, but I did keep the diet in check today, so that's fabulous! Here is my food diary for the day

Breakfast:
Rice Krispies
kellog's bar

Lunch:
Pineapple
applesauce
banana
1 serving of pretzels

Snack:
Glass of skim milk

Dinner:
frozen lf pizza serving
salad
1 serving of strawberry jello w/ ff coolwhip

Again, I know it's not necessarily the best diet, but it was easy enough to follow, and good calorie wise. I need to focus on the fact that instead of giving in and going to get fast food for lunch, I just ate what I had. I didn't have a "true" lunch at work, but I found the fruit and the pretzels and made that my lunch. Was it the best? No Was it the most filling? No, but it seemed to do the trick. Again I just didn't give myself the option to cave. I think that this is progress, even in the smallest degree. I learned that I might not have the perfect day, but the day was not lost, and I made the best of it. I could have just eaten whatever, because I didn't exercise, but I didn't. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to strive for the best, but I just have to know that even when my best isn't achieved, but I tried, all is not lost. The game isn't over. My rocket could have crashed today, but it didn't. It may not have went as high as it could go, but at least it kept going up, and didn't come crashing down.

Just to keep it interesting, or perhaps, nothing can make this nonsense interesting, but at any rate here are some quotes that I found on perfection that I think are really cool.


Perfection

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it. ~Salvador Dal

Unless I accept my faults I will most certainly doubt my virtues. ~Hugh Prather

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. ~Bill Lemley

Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing. ~From the television show Ally McBeal

Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. ~Henry van Dyke

When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target. ~Geoffrey F. Fisher

Well, that's about all of the nonsense I have for tonight. Tune in tomorrow for more of this...ummmm...blabber?

Until tomorrow... <--- yeah I'm STILL not giving up on this either :)~

Interesting Article

You caught me, I lied, I actually just wanted to post again, just so I could sign off one more time tonight. Yes, it makes me feel that cool. No seriously, I saw this really interesting article today, and I felt like discussing it, and I figured what better place than here?

http://www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/Story?id=8288934&page=1

The article is about a formally buff trainer who gained 88 pounds purposely. Yes, on purpose, as hard to believe as that is. I couldn't believe it myself, until I was reading through it. I think that it's a very interesting premise, to spend half of the year trying to gain almost 90 pounds, and then spend the other half losing it in order to sympathize, and understand your clients struggles. Props to him for coming up with this brilliant plan, but I don't believe he will ever truly understand how it is to live this way day in and day out and then struggle to lose it all. I will totally read his book when it comes out, because I find it beyond fascinating, but I find it hard to believe that after only spending 6 whole months out of his life fat that he completely understands. Of course, he is going to see that it's not as easy to lose weight, as he may have thought, but he also does have it a bit easier because he has a ton of muscle underneath his fat. Come on he was totally buff, how could he not.

He could never understand what it's like to be an overweight teenager, how it feels not to have people give you the time of day, the rejection you feel for being the fat girl/guy, the self hatred of why you can't get it together, how it feels to never find cute clothes that fit, to never feel hot, or how it feels to feel humiliated when you hear snickers coming from a group of people, and ALWAYS assume it's about you. It's not his fault that he won't experience this, but nonetheless, he can't ever truly know what it's like.

I think what this will show us, is that with hard work it is possible, which is probably the point that he's trying to prove. He wants to be able to tell his clients that while it's not easy, hard work does pay off in the long run, and he is right. I think it's very admirable of him. I'm sure there will be critics, but wow seriously, this is quite the lofty goal, and very inspirational if he pulls it off. I would be proud to have him train me, I mean clearly he is good, and not so bad to look at either. LOL

Until tomorrow... <---- you love it, don't lie to yourself

Do we have a small miracle on our hands?

Okay, sit down, take a deep breath, and don't go into cardiac arrest or anything, but...here's a shocker...I actually stuck to my plan today, and I'm here to write about it. Are you still with me? Should I go on? I might as well, I'm already here.

I was so serious last night when I posted this, but aren't I always? Yes, I am, but I'm making this time different. I'm not going to convince you of that I know, because like I said last night I can't tell you, I have to show you with my actions. So here is my food & exercise journal for the day.

Breakfast
Rice Crispies plain 1 cup
Banana
a boat load of plan black coffee plain :)

Snack
a cinn. kellog's bar

Lunch
FF strawberry/banana yogurt
1 serving of fresh pineapple
1 serving ff pretzels
1 serving of baked chicken nuggets

Snack
1 serving sunflower seeds

Dinner
small serving low fat frozen dinner pizza
salad


Now, before you say anything, I know it's not perfect. I know that I need more veggies and less carbs, but I am proud of it. I am proud of it because it's not regular pizza, ice cream, brownies, candy, or fast food. I was under my calorie allotment for the day AND I got in 45 minutes on the elliptical. I am really proud of this because while I was motivated, I would have sooooooo much rather sat on the couch and watched tv. I had no energy, but I forced myself to do it. I didn't give myself a choice, I didn't give myself any options, I just made myself do it. I know this is what I have to do.

So, I have taken off, but let's not fool ourselves, if I fall tomorrow, I will not land amongst the stars. I haven't even made it any higher than you can jump a rope, but like I sad, it's a start. My plan tomorrow is much of the same, I just need to stay on track and stay focused.

Well, until tomorrow... <---------- I know it's lame-o, but I feel all important when I use this to sign off. I feel like a newscaster or something, so I think it's going to be my signature. Mostly because I'm crazy like that, and I just kind of like it.

My countdown to takeoff, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Wow, such aspirations, huh, but I completely fell short. Hey, I can't say that I really gave it a go. One day really? That's it? Do you realize how far I could have come in just those two months? I could have formed healthy habits, and been well on my way to a more fab me. The truth is, at this point, instead of getting more fab, I probably got more flab, and even scarier yet, if I have to revisit this again in another two months, I will be even less fab. This should sink into my little brain, but of course it never does.

There is no point in talking about grand goals, and lofty aspirations. I know I know, I need to be optimistic. I am really, I swear, you know they always say " Shoot for the moon, and even if you fall you will land amongst the starts." That's true. I believe it. I also believe, that sitting here typing out my dreams, plans and goals are great, but what good are they if I don't put them to action. I don't have a problem coming up with goals, dreams, and aspirations. I can think of these all day, my problem is the follow through. I know what to do, I know what to say, I just have to shut my big mouth, and just do it.

I know goals are important, I know that more than anyone, but my point is, I can't fill your head with these big ideas without something to back it up. I am committing to this blog for 1 month. Good or bad, so so or mundane, dreadful or surprising, it doesn't matter, I will be here. Even if all I can muster is typing what I ate for the day, that's what I will do.

I'm not going to go back and read my post from a few months ago, because really, it doesn't matter. Clearly whatever I said, as truthful as it was, didn't happen so it's really irrelevant. This is me shooting for the moon this time, apparently last time there was some bad weather, and takeoff didn't happen. It's not going to make the mission any easier this time, any different, or any less of a challenge. It's going to be hard, but if I truly give this my all, I can do it.

Blah blah blah, this is all talk, and it may or may not even make sense, what I really need to do is put it to action. The only way I can prove that this will happen, is just doing it. I need to earn it. It isn't going to be handed to me. I refuse to walk away and come back in a few months in a worse situation than I started. I never said that this mission from flab to fab will be without turbulence, but I will make it to my destination. I will take off, there will not be a delay, and this is me shooting for the moon.

Until tomorrow...